This is my last year I have to solely focus on chasing professional cycling. I spent last year building up my fitness, experience and lining up sponsors for this year to give myself my best shot at finding career success. Then in February I was hit with my biggest fear being an athlete, an injury.
One day about a month ago halfway through a ride I suddenly got severe IT band pain. I didn’t think too much of it and figured it was another riding pain. I hit it with some rehab modalities that I knew of but then the next day it was still there.
I quickly told Nate (my coach) and strength trainer then we made adjustments to my training. I immediately started rehab and reduced my training. I had overworked things before and I figured that’s what happened with my IT band.
I had a race the upcoming weekend and I was hopeful to get back up to speed for my race that weekend. Midway through the week the pain was still there. So I bailed on the race, I felt pretty disappointed. I spent so much time getting fast, lean and preparing for this race.
Having to bail last second hurt, but I figured at least I could take the weekend easy so by the following week I could get back to riding. I had a successful pain free weekend, and I was hopeful for the next week. Then the next week during my first ride the pain came back.
I came home and immediately broke down in tears. In that moment and the few days following it felt like my season was over, all of my fitness I had worked so hard for was slowly withering away, I was going to gain lots of weight after working so hard to shave it off, and that my dream was disappearing.
This was my first time getting injured and it was scary. I didn’t know hot to handle it, what to except, when I would feel better, if I would ever feel better or how to feel better.
Following this was a very frustrating few weeks of trial and lots of error trying to manage pain and fitness at the same time. Two weeks after the injury I started going to PT and started to get some progress
How do you make sense of it? It feels so unfair and out of no where. I don’t think you really can make sense of it. At the end of the day its one of the realities an athlete faces. Putting your body on the line in the name of performance your bound to injure something.
The feeling of being midst an injury is something I don’t wish on anyone. It makes you so angry, frustrated and sad. You feel like you’re bleeding fitness by the day. My time chasing this dream is limited and I couldn’t help but feel like I was wasting time or undoing progress that I’ve made.
During these two years I dedicated to chasing my dream I purposely made my life unbalanced. I put bikes at the center of my life to put my all into this dream and leave no regrets behind. Cycling right now is my lifeline and in the thick of my injury It felt like my lifeline was ripped out of me. I haven’t taken more time off than a week since I started cycling when I was 15, it felt so strange.
My routine felt like it was flipped upside down or I guess rather brought to a grinding halt. My entire life is set up to allow me to ride my bike as much as possible. I don’t work much, have much of a social life, go to school, or the other aspects of what make up normal 22 year old life. I didn’t really know what to do with myself other than ruminate about my injury.
It felt like I was left with a choice, either continue to be miserable and hold on to these parts of my identity ( fitness, race weight and routine ) or learn how to detach from them as I navigated my injury.
A lesson in attachment and being in the moment
It felt like I was doing everything to get better but there were three things I still wasn’t doing. Being patient, letting go and believing in myself. Everything inside me was telling me everything was over, I was losing so much fitness and that I didn’t think I would ever be better.
I had to keep reminding myself that injuries are a part of the sport and there was nothing I could do about my injury but do everything that was in my control and wait it out.
As cyclists we become so attached to our fitness, body composition and everything else in cycling. It’s what allows us to be such good cyclists. We aim to strengthen those parts of our identity because we love those aspects of our self.
However making cycling a part of your identify is a sharp double edged sword. When bikes are taken out of your life, you have to learn to detach from cycling or else you’ll drown in your own mind trying to hold on to these parts of your identity (which was very much what I was doing at first).
At the end of the day being a cyclist isn’t who you are as a person as much as we think we are. Those aspects don’t dictate our self worth, identity or personality.
Once I was able to let go of all of these things I was holding on to, I was able to get myself into the present. I could finally believe that this injury can’t last forever and I would get better. I had to remind myself that if I was able to get to a certain point in my fitness I can get to that point again.
Another reminder I had to keep in mind is that Its impossible to maintain a high level of fitness forever. Life happens and training has its ups and downs as with all things in life. Our degree to which we can navigate the ebb and flow of cycling/life are what makes us strong cyclists/people.
Making it through this time period what did I get in return? An unshakable resolve.
Something I frequently think about is the question “How bad do you want it?” I think about this question when I make decisions about cycling. Do I want this dream bad enough to make all of the sacrifices necessary to set up my life for training? Do I want it bad enough to grind out massive weeks to develop my fitness quicker? ect…
This time period was a serious test to the answer of this question and my injury to my answer to the extreme
In the worst of my injury I would go out for rides feeling hopeful I felt better but only to have to cut them short or having to completely stop and be picked up. Getting knocked down and having to pick myself up was getting exhausting. Some days felt extremely defeating and like I didn’t have the strength to get back up to answer yes to this question.
I would think “maybe this is sign it was time to move on to my next phase in life”. No matter how defeated I felt there was something inside of me that wouldn’t let me say no and got me back up on my feet. I knew if I just threw in the towel for professional cycling, signed myself up back for some classes and fast forwarded to my next phase of life I would be so upset with myself if this is how I let my story end.
I kept having to remind myself that this path I choose is not easy and adversity is going to get thrown my way. Its up to me to find the strength to pick myself back up to keep moving forward, or turn around and close the door on this dream.
The greatest gift I’ve gotten from training is the flame inside of me that will never go out. It’s the ability to endure/keep fighting/never give up. I’m so thankful to have this fire inside of me and It will keep be warm throughout my whole life.
It’s something cycling taught me and ironically in its absence I’m able to rely on right now more than ever. Its whats that’s keeping me getting up no matter how many times this injury knocks me down.
This injury was a really hard period of time for me and coming out the other side it has strengthened my resolve to chase this dream. I kept telling myself that this injury wont be how my story ends. Quitting is not an option and it never has been. I dedicated these two years of my life to chase this dream and no matter what hand I’m dealt or what gets thrown my way. Now my resolve feels unbreakable and I’ll keep fighting until time runs out.